The Jerk Factor

Posted on October 14, 2011 by Verla Wallace

Verla--head onIs it my imagination or is the world becoming a meaner place? Since time began, there have always been wars—the big kind with tanks and Drones and missiles and the more personal kind that fall under labels like domestic violence or bullying. They all exact a horrible price and are not to be lightly dismissed, but I’m talking about a rise in everyday meanness.

We’re living in tough times. If you aren’t personally affected by our nation’s economic meltdown, you probably interact every day with people who are being affected. Some respond with amazing grace and resilience. But others? Well, Amazon currently carries 6,490 different books on conflict resolution, which indicates there are a lot of difficult, unhappy people in the world who may have us in their line of fire.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with them. I once had a hairdresser who insisted she could tell whether a new client was going to difficult by the shoes they wore. She developed a whole system for interacting with everyone from Cowboy Boots Guy to Ballet Slippers Suburban Princess. Seriously!

While her system seemed ridiculous, it was actually based on a couple basic truths. Difficult people don’t really care what you think. Your happiness is not on their radar. So if you’re dealing with a jerk, it’s you who will have to adapt.

Here are some strategies that may help:

Accept reality. I used to think if I just explained to an extremely challenging person how their behavior was hurtful or counter-productive, they would thank me for my honesty and rush to change their behavior. Mmmm…not so much. But we keep trying, certain that with enough patience and explanation they will change. Fuhgedaboutit! It’s a fool’s errand. Deal with the way things really are.

Ask yourself, “Whose problem is this? Are you responsible for any part of the problem? You are responsible for how you treat others and how you allow others to treat you. But, unless you’re their boss, you are not responsible for setting them straight, changing their behavior or changing their faulty perception that you are the problem. Mark Twain said, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” It’s their problem and you may not be able to fix it. Let it go.

Establish good boundaries.  Dr. Henry Cloud uses the metaphor of a house to explain good relational boundaries. Figuratively speaking, trustworthy friends and family are welcome in the kitchen at your table. Unsafe people should never be allowed past the front porch. Don’t give difficult people power over your mental or emotional well-being.

Look at difficult people through God’s eyes. If God was willing to sacrifice His only son for someone who has deeply wounded us—sometimes without cause—it must be because He sees something we don’t see. Ask Him to show you this person through His lens. Even difficult people matter to God.

Thank God for them. Difficult people show us what life looks like when God is not in control of a person’s behavior. It can expose the condition of our own hearts and how quickly our own mean streak can rise up to push back. Praying for those who have done us harm keeps our own hearts soft and sometimes can even changes things.

For four years I work for the NBC radio affiliate in Chicago as a reporter and news anchor. My editor was a crusty old-school guy who considered it his personal mission to make miserable the lives of the on-air talent. He was relentless. Once he reamed me out so severely in front of the entire newsroom staff that one of the sound engineers took me aside and said only half in jest, “I’ve got a gun in my truck.”

Finally, in desperation, I decided every time he launched a tirade against me I would silently pray for him. It wasn’t that I was super spiritual or even believed my prayers would change him. I was simply trying to avoid doing hard time! I eventually accepted a job at another radio station and figured he was out of my life forever.

One day I received a totally unexpected phone call from him. He was leaving NBC to start his own business and wanted me to come and work for him! Really!

What shocked me even more was my reaction to the call, which was… no reaction. He no longer hooked me. I didn’t have to reform him or make him understand. I didn’t have to prove I was right or fight back. He was just a guy with a job offer, which I politely declined.

Jerks may never change. But if we change, I wonder if meanness in the world would lose some steam.

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Andy Rooney, Regis Philbin and You

Posted on October 5, 2011 by Verla Wallace

Verla--head onLast Sunday night Andy Rooney delivered his 1,097th and final commentary on “60 Minutes,” after 33 years on the air. Last summer Larry King signed off CNN after 25 years and an estimated 50,000 interviews. Oprah also ended her 25-year reign as TV’s #1 talk show host. And now Regis Philbin, who holds the Guinness world record for most logged hours on TV (16,343 hours as of 2009), is wrapping up his 28 years as a TV talk show host.

 The rush by friends and colleagues to heap praise and tributes on the TV icons has bordered on overkill. But it reflects a deep desire most of us share. We want to know all the long hours and stress and sacrifice were worth it. We want to know our lives mattered to someone and our contribution will be missed.

As a life coach,  everyday I see the lengths to which people go to achieve that end. I don’t judge them because, I’m embarrassed to say, I’ve done a few crazy things in my life hoping to make my life memorable.

During my early years as a reporter working for a Chicago network radio affiliate, there was heavy competition between media outlets to “break” a story first or secure an “exclusive.” Around that time, Puerto Rican separatists who called themselves the F.A.L.N.  (“Armed Forces of National Liberation”) bombed several local buildings as a political statement in their fight to win independence for Puerto Rico. It was long before Al Qaeda came on the scene and the bombings were nothing of the magnitude of the World Trade Center bombing, but it was a pretty big deal at the time.

One day two of the group’s minor players were arrested when stopped for a routine traffic violation. They were taken to the Criminal Court Building for arraignment and one of my sources called to tip me off they were in custody. He offered to get me into their cell for an interview. I was salivating at the thought of my first “exclusive” story.

The man everybody really wanted to interview was the group’s leader, Oscar Lopez Rivera. So, after a disappointing and not-that-groundbreaking interview with the two lower-echelon terrorists, I handed them my business card, wrote my home phone number on the back, and told them I would be willing to meet with Rivera anytime for an interview, if he was interested.

When I got back to the newsroom I rushed in to tell the news director about the interview and my offer to meet with Rivera.

“You did what?” he yelled, incredulous. “You gave your home phone number to a terrorist? I should fire you on the spot!”

Fortunately for me, Rivera wasn’t the least bit interested in an interview with me or anyone else. What was I thinking? I was thinking the interview would earn me high regard as a serious journalist. My words would matter.

Ironically, Jesus has never been all that interested in focusing on the best and the brightest in the human gene pool to get His work done on earth. Look who He picked as His 12 disciples! I used to read the gospels and think, “Who are these people? Where are their credentials? Jesus picked these guys to help change the world? Seriously?”

Then I stumbled onto Acts 4 where Peter and John, ignited by the Holy Spirit, appeared before the Sanhedrin, Israel’s Supreme Court. Luke, the author of Acts, describes the crowd as totally captivated by these less-than-impressive disciples.

            “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were                          unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these                 men had been with Jesus.” (Acts 4:13)

No Ivy League education, no flashy resumes, no slick presentation training. What everyone noticed was they had been with Jesus. It had so changed them, people hung on their every word. They were onto something and others wanted it.

You may never be an Andy or Regis or Larry or Oprah. You may have no unwieldy public persona to live up to, no ego to curtail and there may never be a long line of celebrities lauding your BIG IMPORTANT LIFE. That’s okay. Show them you’re on to something. Show them you’ve been with Jesus. They’ll never forget you.

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“Where Can Your Navigation Advisor Take You Today?”

Posted on September 26, 2011 by Verla Wallace

Verla--head onI was on a plane this week returning from a visit with family in Florida and found myself seated in the row behind a young family with two kids under the age of three. When we all stood up to deplane, both parents picked up a child…and diaper bags…and backpacks …and snack tote…and then picked up car seats and a collapsible stroller on the gangway…before they ever hit the baggage claim area. It made me tired just watching them.

Across the aisle was a businessman with one of those expensive pieces of carry-on luggage with a dozen clever pockets to handle a computer, business files, an extra shirt and tie, toiletries, and probably even a collapsible piece of gym equipment! He whipped it into the luggage bin as he boarded the plane and just as quickly pulled it down as soon as we were wheels down. He slipped up the aisle to the front of the cabin and stood patiently behind the flight attendant, before anyone else stood up to clog the aisle. Obviously, he had run the drill a hundred times and refined it to perfection.

 I’m a traveler who falls somewhere in between the family and the businessman. I encumber myself with luggage full of extra clothes and supplies for every likely medical calamity and more reading material than I could possibly get through—just in case.

To me, the three of us are classic examples of how people not only take a trip but how we travel through life and manage our relationship with God.

The traveling family represents people whose lives are complicated—either by circumstances not of their choosing or because of choices that may or may not have carefully weighed. They are juggling a lot and hope to make it to their destination without everything crashing down on them.

The businessman prefers to be nimble. His focus is laser sharp, his goal is to be first to reach his destination, letting nothing deter him. His choices make his life less complicated and he likes it that way. His relationships suffer as a result.

People like me fall somewhere in between. We want to get to our destination on time and in one piece, but we struggle to find the balance between traveling light vs. making sure we have with us those people and things that matter.

I believe there’s another parallel–between the way we make the trip and how we’ll feel when we reach our destination.

When you reach the end of your life, will you look back and realize you were so burdened down by circumstances you failed to enjoy the journey or feel it was well spent? Was God along for the ride or did you figure you’d catch up with Him when you arrived?

If you identify with the businessman, do you want to look back on your life and realize your greatest accomplishment was your efficiency, a dazzling resume and a boatload of grownup toys? Did you factor in God on your journey or will you show up at the end of your life, hoping He’ll recognize you from some brief exchange you had forty years ago?

Finally, if you identify with the third example, have you been so preoccupied with being prepared and being in control and getting it right each step of the way, the trip hasn’t been much fun. You missed the wonder of all that was going on around you and the surprises God may have planned.

Jesus and His disciples were always on the road going somewhere. But they often  lingered over a meal together or changed the route to check in on a friend. Jesus kept His ultimate destination in mind. Nevertheless, He was fully present every day to life, relishing all of it, in constant contact with His heavenly Father for course corrections as He went along.

My husband has an OnStar navigation system in his car since he travels all over the state as part of his job. OnStar maps his route from Point A to Point B and if he diverts from the route, an automated voice says, “You have left the planned route. Would you like assistance? Say yes or no.”

If you aren’t enjoying your journey through life, perhaps you’ve left the planned route—that is, the one God planned for you. Would you like assistance? Tell God yes or no. He’ll be glad to get you back on track, because the point of the journey is not just to get from A to B. It’s to relish the trip and involve Him in everything that happens in between.

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Lurkers for Jesus

Posted on September 17, 2011 by Verla Wallace

 Verla--head onThere are an estimated 450 million active English-speaking blogs currently in the world. No one knows for sure the exact number, since thousands of new ones are added daily and thousands more become zombie, sleeping, or “dead” blogs which have been abandoned temporarily or permanently. That means there’s a lot of online talk going on in the blogosphere, even if we’re not sure the true identity of who is talking or the exact number of people who are listening.

Every blogger, myself included, wants to know there’s someone “out there” who is engaged with what we’re writing. But blog experts report at least 90% of those who visit a site are lurkers–not the shady kind of lurker who hangs around in the shadows causing trouble, but online readers who read a blog or hang around online discussion and chat rooms but rarely or never participate.

Master blogger Michael Hyatt says the way to turn passive lurkers into active followers of whatever you are passionate about is to draw them into a conversation and build a relationship. In other words, in this era of social networking run amok, marketing is now “tribe-building.”

I have great respect for Hyatt who blogs five times a week writing on topics like leadership and productivity and who reportedly has built a loyal following over the years of hundreds of thousands of people. But I think some sites lend themselves more easily to group dialogue than others. They feel “safer” for anyone not wanting to get too personal. Write a blog on how to efficiently run a meeting or how to make crème’ brulee and everyone has an opinion. But write about spiritual doubt or disappointment with God or why it’s so hard to be consistent in our faith and then ask who wants to go first to share. Anyone? Anyone?

Blog researchers have an opinion about lurker behavior. Don’t ask me how they know these thing, but they claim the reason people lurk is they don’t trust what will happen next, once their words are immortalized in cyberspace.

I see just the opposite behavior when I visit other sites. I see readers throwing all caution to the wind to say any outrageous thing they please–especially if they can hide behind an anonymous handle.

Frankly, I like lurkers. Coincidentally, so does Jesus. Of course, he wasn’t walking the earth when Al Gore allegedly invented the Internet, but there are stories of lurkers all over the Bible—both the bad kind and those who are just listening in when it comes to faith issues.

Remember Zacchaeus, the despised tax collector? When Jesus came to town and caused such an uproar by healing people and talking about abundant life, Zacchaeus was intrigued. But because of his reputation as a no-goodnik, he didn’t want to go public about his spiritual curiosity. It wasn’t safe. People might think he had gone soft on extortion! So he hid in a tree, hoping to eavesdrop as Jesus passed by.

Zacchaeus wasn’t acting like some of those who followed Jesus and acted loud and obnoxious to get His attention (like ranting flamers on some blogs). Still I think Old Zack was just as needy. He just wasn’t so desperate he was willing to go public with his need.

But Jesus, who knows our hearts, always takes steps toward us to let us know we’re welcome. With Zacchaeus, Jesus stopped, asked the stunned tax collector to come down out of the tree and then invited Himself to the tax collector’s house for dinner, so they could have a chat.

Scripture recounts how dinner with Jesus transformed Zack’s life. All his defenses and secrecy vanished when Jesus lavished love and grace on the man most people wouldn’t be caught dead dining with. Zacchaeus, the Outsider, became one of Jesus’ raving fans.

You see, to Jesus, there are no Insiders. There only sinners and forgiven sinners. Jesus welcomes lurkers to hang around Him or His followers and eavesdrop all they want. To kick the tires of Christianity and ask the hard questions—maybe over a meal. So don’t be surprised if one day Jesus surprises you with an invitation. That’s the story of the gospel.

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The Sushi Chef and The Bickersons

Posted on September 9, 2011 by Verla Wallace

Verla--head onI probably wouldn’t have noticed what was happening if I had been in my usual rush, but I wasn’t. I was killing time, waiting for a carryout order at our local sushi restaurant. It’s a quiet little place of simple elegance—not your typical carryout joint. If you have to wait, it’s a lovely place to do it.

Across the room, several sushi chefs stood side-by-side at a food preparation area, viewable by diners if they wanted to watch the chefs work their magic. I couldn’t take my eyes off one particular chef as he chopped and shaped and molded vegetables, rice, and sashimi-grade seafood into plates of colorful forms almost too beautiful to eat. He seemed in another world.

 Less than ten feet away, an arguing couple was also focused–focused on whether their words were inflicting sufficient pain on the other person. They spoke in low insistent tones, but their ugly words drifted effortlessly across the small dining room.

“You always have to be right, don’t you?”

“You’re nuts! Go tell someone who cares….”

The sushi chef continued his graceful hand choreography, adding a dollop of wasabi here and shaved ginger there, oblivious to the soap opera playing out nearby.

The angry couple was equally oblivious. They didn’t notice the elegant food demonstration or the surroundings, which, ironically, were designed to offer guests a sense of tranquility.

I wonder how much we miss in life that’s less than ten feet away.

If all we notice are the difficult circumstances and people who are in our face at the moment, we could be missing the good stuff within arms’ reach. On the other hand, if we’re focused on what’s good and beautiful right under our noses—a child’s laughter, a neighbor’s act of kindness, an unexpected call from a friend, a project finished on time and under budget—maybe the insanity all around us might be less likely to sink us.

I confess I’m typically a glass-half-empty person, a bit jaded from too many years as a journalist covering stories of man’s inhumanity to man, repeatedly witnessing the injustices meted out to people who didn’t deserve it.

However, I worked once for a brilliant woman who was my opposite and we got along great, even though her non-stop chirpiness made me crazy. Not only was she a glass-half-full person, her glass was always flooding the place!

We used to tease each other about how differently we saw the world. Once after a particularly grueling day managing a business crisis together, I said to her, half in jest, “So, was this the worst day of your life?”

“No,” she said quietly. “The worst day of my life was when my big brother, whom I idolized, was gunned down in front of me in a case of mistaken identity.”

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.

“How do you get over something like that?” I asked.

“You don’t,” she said. “It colors everything. All I saw from that day forward was evil and loss and things that would never be. Then one day I remembered there was still a whole other world out there where life lived, a world of good people and love and new experiences. We don’t always get to choose our circumstances, but we can choose our focus. I changed on the spot.”

Her words came to mind when Steve Jobs recently announced his retirement from Apple, the likely result of his worsening pancreatic cancer. In 2005, shortly after he was first diagnosed with the cancer, Jobs gave the commencement address at Stanford University, He, too, spoke about how death clarified his focus.

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. … Almost everything—all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.”

Of course, we don’t have to be dying or lose a loved one to change our focus. We can simply choose to fix our gaze on the sushi chef instead of the soap opera couple.

                        

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Excuse Me, Would Everyone Please Shut Up?

Posted on September 1, 2011 by Verla Wallace

Verla--head onI was standing in a grocery store line yesterday behind a mother and a young boy, presumably her son, who looked like he was 10-12 years old. She was ragging on him about something, as she mindlessly emptied her cart for checkout. His attention was focused on his Android cell phone and the game he was playing. Then I noticed the back of his t-shirt. It read, “It’s not attention deficit. I’m just not listening!”

 Kids have been ignoring their parents forever. But today—with all the cell phones, computers and other devices that feed noise and information to us intravenously 24/7—it’s increasingly difficult for all of us to pay attention. Look at this! React to that! Listen to me! No, ME! Pay attention over here! No, HERE! It’s not that we’ve all developed A.D.D. Rather, we, too, are tuning out more often, to keep our sanity.

Harvard researchers say city life in particular is mentally exhausting (and half the world’s population lives in cities). Juggling multiple stimuli uses up the brain’s processing power, resulting in what neuroscientists call “directed attention fatigue.” As it worsens, judgment is impaired and we feel increasingly stressed. Sound familiar?

Thankfully, they say there are things we can do to restore our brains–like spending 20 minutes in a city park or getting away to any quiet environment so the brain’s attention circuits can refresh and recover the resilience needed to jump back into the fray.

Suddenly God’s idea for a Sabbath rest once a week makes more sense, along with other reminders like”Be still and know that I am God.“ They’re not just God Rules to cramp our style. They’re operating instructions from the creator of our brain. He knows how we’re wired and that our circuits can overload. He wants us to finish well and knows we won’t, if we don’t build some margin into our lives.

It’s not about taking a vacation. Vacations can be more high voltage than daily life. We need quiet. Maybe that’s the problem. Quiet can be a scary place if you’ve never been there.

This week I conducted a random survey of a dozen people to ask how comfortable they were with silence. Several people felt they didn’t need it and didn’t have time to invest in something with no immediately measurable outcome.

I wonder if the real issue is a fear of sitting alone with God, without an agenda. Most people are comfortable with silence only in their most intimate relationships. Are you and God in an intimate relationship, the kind that doesn’t require words?

More than once when I’ve tried to create a quiet space in my own day, my mind starts scrolling through my To Do list and I catch myself praying frantic prayers that end in, “God, are you listening?” I picture God saying, “I’m listening. Would you like to listen for awhile?” Stilling ourselves takes practice.

When we sit in silence in God’s presence, we get a truer picture of who we are in the grand scheme of things. It makes room for new information about ourselves, our lives and our relationship with Him. We learn to more easily recognize that small inner voice that’s different from ours, the voice that speaks peace and comfort and hope into our weary souls. We realize it’s Him! He’s been there all along but we couldn’t hear Him above the din.

Withdrawing from our addiction to words and noise may also bring us face-to-face with fears we’ve been trying to outrun or the things about ourselves we really don’t want to face. It’s okay. We’re safe. We’re experiencing intimacy with the one Person in the universe whose words always bring life. No attention deficit required to protect our sanity. We can happily hang on His every word.

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Exposing Adam and Eve

Posted on August 26, 2011 by Verla Wallace

Verla--head onA man on the East Coast wrote me this week to say he’s losing his business. He wonders how long he’ll be able to hold on to his house. A woman in Nova Scotia emailed about her cancer diagnosis. A friend called about a custody battle that rages on. Someone in Iowa wrote about the likelihood her teenage daughter will do jail time for a stupid prank.

As if the headlines weren’t painful enough, our collective personal pain is worse. Jesus was right when He told His disciples to expect trouble in this life. It’s only a matter of how often and to what degree.

 I recall one season of stress in my own life where, in the course of a year, I faced shingles, stage four melanoma, a major car accident at the hands of a drunk driver, the death of my dad and the untimely death of my 42-year-old best friend. It was not pretty.

At the time, someone sent me a magazine article on stress, urging me to take the accompanying self-assessment quiz. It ascribed points to 43 traumatic life events and then, based on your total score, showed how much you were at risk of serious illness. According to my score, I was dead.

I thought about that test in light of the heartache I’ve heard about the past few days. I realized the test failed to list the biggest source of stress, the stress of not knowing. Not knowing when your home will sell in a depressing real estate market, not knowing what a parent’s growing dementia will mean financially in terms of future care, not knowing if your toddler is autistic because the tests aren’t conclusive. In short, not being able to get answers that will explain things or tell you what to do or maybe offer solace or closure.

Wanting to know things (and its corollary, wanting to understand why) has been part of our DNA all the way back to Adam and Eve when God told the happy couple there were things they weren’t allowed to know. They were sure He didn’t mean it and it was all downhill from there.

I totally understand their curiosity. I want to know things, too. In fact, I ended up in two careers—journalism and consulting—that paid me to ask lots of questions! I bombard God with questions, too. I don’t think He minds as long as we remember He ultimately decides what we get to know. And He’s under no obligation to explain Himself. Ever.

Are you kidding me? That’s not what we want to hear. This is the United States of America! We ask questions! We get answers! Get somebody on the phone who can talk some sense into God! Has He seen what’s happening down here? WE NEED TO KNOW.

Ahh, the truth comes out. We’re not mad because we don’t have answers. We’re mad because we’re not in control! (Insert your own picture here of a two-year old throwing a tantrum.) MAKE GOD BEHAVE!

God says we don’t get to know everything because He’s God and we’re not and He calls the shots. It’s downright un-American. What are we to do?

I heard Gap Intl. executive Mitzi Hoelscher speak recently on breakthrough leadership. She mentioned the importance of developing the “willingness-to-not-know” muscle. For Christ followers, the “willingness-to-not-know” muscle is called faith. The muscle works even better when exercised with its companion muscle, surrender.

It’s not the kind of surrender that gives up on life or God. Rather, it’s the kind that admits to God we have a control issue. It acknowledges we don’t have to know all the answers because He’s sovereign and has it covered. It might even mean entertaining answers we had not considered.

Most of all, it means letting God do it His way every time, over and over, until those faith and surrender muscles get so strong, life circumstances no longer have the power to make us ill…or even kill us.

Adam and Eve did it their way and we all know how that turned out. History shows we haven’t exactly improved on their record since then. Time to grab a white flag and give ourselves up to the One who promises to get us through this mess and one day give us our answers if we just hang on till then.

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When Eating Frogs Is Not Enough

Posted on August 19, 2011 by Verla Wallace

Verla--head onThe entrepreneur sat down at my table—poised, impeccably groomed, articulate, the picture of confidence. It was his first visit to the monthly meeting of Christian business executives and other professionals who came to connect with peers and gain wisdom for dealing with their daily challenges. I was a table facilitator.

We went around the table and, to get acquainted, everyone shared the equivalent of a personal elevator speech.

The entrepreneur recapped his dazzling resume: married, four kids, three academic degrees, owner of four thriving businesses, board member for a couple of non-profits. He had not yet turned 40.

I asked him what he didn’t have. Quietly he said, “A life.” Despite all his drive, intelligence and considerable accomplishments, success still eluded him when it came to finding breathing room and managing the pace of his life.

Over the years as I’ve coached people, I’ve learned there can be lots of reasons for an unmanageable or unsatisfying life. If it’s simply a time management issue, I work with them on tactics like tracking the way they spend their time, so they can identify time leaks, or showing them how to create priority “trees.” Or I might share productivity tips from experts like Brian Tracy. One of my favorites is from his book, Eat That Frog. “Before you eat the frog,” he says, “set the table.” In other words, be clear what you really want before you tackle an unpleasant challenge.

Other times, I’ve found it’s a people problem—for example, how to keep others from controlling your schedule. So I suggest ways to consolidate or fast track meetings or how to return phone calls in one block of time at the end of the day or how to delegate differently.

Tactics can help. But rearranging external behavior may not be enough. What we do, how we act and the choices we make are all driven by what we believe. If life isn’t working, it may signal an inner battle between what we say matters most to us and how we’re actually living our lives. Or it may mean the values we’ve chosen to live by aren’t delivering on the satisfaction they promised.

Either way, our heart knows it, but our head doesn’t want to change. More importantly, it means the battle is not with time or people or circumstances. It’s over our values–what matters most to us and the choices we need the courage to make to restore harmony between our head and heart–choices like where we live, how we live, who we live with, what work we choose, whose opinion about us matters.

King Solomon, one of the wisest men in the Bible, struggled, like the businessman at my table, to understand why his life wasn’t satisfying. He, too, was no slouch in the accomplishments department. He was successful by every measure and people from all over the then-known world sought his counsel. But he was a very unhappy man.

“All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. And who knows whether he will be a wise man or a fool?”

Such despair! But then Solomon has a big Aha! God, he says, “has set eternity in the hearts of men…”

In other words, Solomon says, our hearts are calibrated to function optimally when our values are aligned with God’s eternal values. We can disregard that eternity microchip He planted in our hearts, to remind us to whom we belong, but the result is a faux satisfaction that’s hollow and fleeting. Meaningless.

It’s like trying to dance a samba to waltz music. You can do it, but it’s frustrating, it wears you out and you look pathetic! Improving your samba technique won’t help. You were created to dance the waltz. Learn to waltz!

God invites us to invest as much time getting to know Him as we spend obsessing over the circumstances of our lives. If we realign our values with His, from the inside out, the courage to change will follow…and so will satisfaction.

Brian Tracy’s frog analogy may make you a more productive worker bee, but God is the only one who can help you create a more satisfying life.

 

 

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Jesus, Tiger Woods and Winning

Posted on August 10, 2011 by Verla Wallace

Verla--head onSports reporters are already in overdrive in advance of Thursday’s 2011 PGA Championship tournament in Johns Creek, Georgia, speculating whether Tiger Woods has any chance of winning his 15th major title.

Americans seem to have an obsession with winning—constantly measuring who’s on top and who’s not, who’s in and who’s out?  We worship position.

Woods hasn’t won a major title since the 2008 U.S. Open, so his prospects are uncertain, given how his own position has changed dramatically in the last three years.

First, there was the shocking sex scandal and the subsequent loss of his family in a $750 million divorce. Then there were the unrelenting injuries, followed by nine straight tournament losses and a three-month sabbatical, in an effort to regroup and heal. Recently, there was the ugly breakup with his long-time caddy.

A far different Woods commanded headlines in 2008. He entered the 2008 U.S. Open ranked #1 in the world and was an expected shoo-in for his 14th major title. Then the unimaginable happened. In the last round of regular play, he found himself tied for the lead with a genial 45-year old golfer named Rocco Mediate, who had played the PGA circuit for 20 years without ever winning a single major. The tie forced a playoff round the next day, followed by another round of sudden death play, which Woods finally won.

What I found interesting was not how Woods managed to win, but rather how Mediate handled the loss. A sportscaster shoved a microphone in Mediate’s face and asked how it felt to have come so close, only to lose…again. The smiling Mediate looked incredulous. “Are you kidding me?” he said. “It was the greatest experience of my life! I ‘held my own’ for 91 holes against the best golfer in the world!”

Mediate would love to have been the guy who beat Tiger Woods in a sudden death playoff at the U.S. Open, but he was no Tiger Woods and he knew it. Finishing second to his idol was about as good as it gets.

There was another golfer at the 2008 U.S. Open who understood a thing or two about position. It was Jimmy Henderson, an AstroTurf salesman from Ohio, positioned #156 out of the 156 players in the tournament. When the San Diego Herald-Tribune asked Henderson how he felt about being dead last, he said matter-of-factly, “That’s where I belong.”

He landed in the tournament because of luck. He shot a hole-in-one in a qualifying round, earning the last coveted slot. Henderson knew he didn’t belong in the tournament at all, but if you’re invited to participate in something beyond your wildest dreams, you don’t worry about your position. You’re just glad to be included.

That’s how it is when you have a relationship with Jesus. It changes your mind about winning and position.

You may have spent your whole life trying to be # 1. Then Jesus comes along and says, “Follow me.”  It’s hard giving up that top spot. Inevitably, people will say, “How does it feel to be no longer calling the shots in your life?” You may be tempted to believe somehow that makes you a loser, to which I say, Are you kidding me? Tell them with confidence, “I get to hang close to the Son of God, the Savior of the world! It’s the greatest experience of my life!”

Today Tiger Woods is ranked # 30 in the world of golf, Rocco Mediate ranks # 324 and Jimmy Henderson isn’t even on the list. Me? I’m still hanging close to Jesus and it’s the best position in the world.

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Wisdom, with Hot Sauce on the Side

Posted on August 5, 2011 by Verla Wallace

Verla--head onOne of my greatest fears of aging is not the loss of title, status, money or even health. It’s the fear of being irrelevant. Who wants to find themselves in a place where they’ve finally figured out a few things about life, only to learn no one cares.

Reality television personality Heidi Montag lost her place in the sun when her TV series, “The Hills,” was cancelled. So she underwent 10 plastic surgeries in one day last fall to once again make herself relevant, even if for all the wrong reasons. Staying relevant is hard work in a culture that defines relevance as whatever holds our attention for at least 15 minutes.

Lately, I’ve been reconsidering my passion to be relevant. Right now it seems what our culture needs is not so much relevant people as wise ones. And that’s something all of us have a shot at becoming.

Years ago I lived in a neighborhood filled with wise people, although I didn’t realize it then and they didn’t either. No one on my block was rich or famous, but everyone had a story and their stories lasted longer than 15 minutes.

The local police chief, an African-American, lived with his family down at the corner. His lawn was always immaculate in the summer, even though neighborhood kids regularly cut across it on their bikes to get around the block faster. Their transgression never drew anger because he relished that he had a lawn and his kids had bikes—both of which had been absent from his own childhood. Chalk one up for grace and gratitude.

Russian immigrants lived down the block in the other direction. They pretty much kept to themselves, except for Saturdays when we’d see them walk to synagogue in identical black hats and long black coats to celebrate with orthodox friends. Their traditions were difficult to practice in an America that held such different values, but they relished walking freely to worship without harassment and constantly served their neighbors in small, unannounced ways. Chalk one up for faith and service.

A middle-aged Greek security guard lived across the street with his German shepherd guard dog. He was a cranky guy. All the wrongs of his life (which he would eagerly recite on a regular basis) were always someone else’s fault. He never came to the block parties—probably for fear he might have a good time. He finally moved and no one noticed or cared. A cautionary tale for us all.

The greatest source of wisdom on my block was a tiny 85-year-old Vietnamese woman who didn’t speak a word of English. She lived with her granddaughter, her granddaughter’s husband and their four-year old boy. She managed the couple’s home and took care of their child while they pursued rigorous professional careers.

Her energy seemed preternatural. She tended the family’s extensive backyard garden, wearing the traditional Vietnamese wrap-type outfit with baggy pants, similar to what martial artists wear. She handled her precocious 4-year old great-grandson with a firm hand, without ever raising her voice. Whenever she sat down, her hands always held some sewing project. And, if all the food left surreptitiously on my doorstep was any indication, she must have cooked all day long.

I once made the mistake of telling her granddaughter how much I liked the hot sauce she once left as a condiment with one of her meals, although I could barely handle a teaspoon of the fiery substance. Soon thereafter, the tiny woman began depositing giant mason jars of the sauce on my doorstep every Saturday. The stuff was so potent it could have been used as a weapon of mass destruction, except there was too much love packed inside.

Every day, without knowing it, she demonstrated what really constitutes a relevant life. Love, hard work, family, discipline, kindness toward strangers, hospitality, generosity, a smile and a positive attitude regardless of the circumstances.

Intriguing people may turn our heads for a moment and try to convince us they are what’s relevant. But a wise person and their ways stick in our memory for a lifetime.


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